19 and Craaaaazy

Every once in a while, even in a big city like New York, you will run into someone or come across something that will propel you straight into deja vu.  This happened to me last Wednesday.  Near my old college is a bar that does a drink special in which every bottle of beer is $1 on Wednesdays.  Feeling reminiscent, Roomie and I decided to take a trip down memory lane and go.

Nearby sat your average group of guys in their late twenties. . .while this normally elicit a second thought, the sight of them in this college bar, especially the sullen friend in the middle, propelled me straight back to my 19 year old self – the girl who carried around a fake Maryland I.D. and was known to rock a slight twang when she felt like she was talking to some guy she’d never plan to see again.  It didn’t take long, back then, to realize that being a doe-eyed Southern girl was like crack for New York males used to loud attitudes, which in turn equated being bought more drinks than I could possibly want.

On one such night, my target had been a reasonably attractive guy who was sending off “LEAVE ME ALONE” body language louder than the neon lights advertising a seedy strip club.  Noticing that his friends were talking and flirting with girls, I knew the challenge had been set for me, whether he was aware or not.  After a few hours of coaxing the friendliness out of him, he eventually asked for my number.

Therein was the problem.  Not only did I think he was actually kind of cool and fun to talk to, Scott NYPD was a police officer and 26 who knew me as 22 year old Sally, a small town girl from Maryland. . .obviously none of those things are true.  Being the crazy, invincible 19 year old that I was, I decided to let it play out.  After 3 or so weeks of playing the part, our courtship fizzled. . .I grew tired of the role and he grew tired of getting rejected and pushed away.

Every once in a while, like this past Wednesday, I’ll see a guy who so reminds me of those weeks and it will make me wonder about whatever happened to good old Scott NYPD and if he ever thinks back to that crazy Southern girl he met one night over wings and cold frothy beer.

The Day I Asked a High-Profile Athlete Dating Advice Part 6

During my drawn out conversations about dating and relationships with Athlete, I explained to him that one day via her former talk show, Oprah told me through the TV that if a man doesn’t want to be with you, nothing can make him stay HOWEVER if he does want to be with you, nothing can keep him away.  Following this logic, I brought up instances in which, whether it be me or one of my girlfriends, the guy wanted to stop dating or put on the brakes but would then get mad when he found out about a new guy or moving on and dating other people.  Wtf.  Was he lying when he said “I miss you”?  Does he want to get back together? If guy missed girl so much, why weren’t guy and girl dating?

Athlete answered me with a story.  As someone who has always been motivated to become the best player he can ever be, his sport has always been numero uno on his priority list.  This was especially true during his rookie season. . .which was of course when he met a girl he really liked.  He figured that all the time he had been putting in pursuing new girls could go to This Girl and thus the relationship would be harmonious and would actually relieve some stress and provide him some comfort. 

The reality of the situation was that he legitimately didn’t have the time to give This Girl what she needed and deserved out a relationship.  Not only was he focusing all of his energy into getting better and proving himself, this was during his sport’s season so he was constantly traveling and constantly busy with appearances.  Looking back, he explains that he gave This Girl a shot because he really liked her but timing-wise, it was essentially doomed to fail, as his emotional energy tank was pretty depleted whether he wanted it that way or not. 

After going back and forth for nearly a year, she finally left him for good and soon after began dating again.  As they tried to go the friend route, he was bothered and jealous by This Girl’s new man.  He wanted nothing but happiness for This Girl but it still hurt that she was finding happiness with anyone that wasn’t him. 

At this point, I had to ask Athlete if he was this caught up about every girl he had ever dated.  He laughed and said not at all – girls he dated casually were relatively easy good-byes.  Girls he dated seriously but ended with closure weren’t to difficult either.  The kicker with this particular situation was that Athlete and This Girl did not break up for lack of feelings and tried to pursue a friendship soon after their relationship ended before either was ready to have the other play that role.   That being said, while a guy might say he misses you, it’s true he probably DOES miss you. . .but that doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to get back together.  In fact, Athlete urged that if either person is having a hard time, distance and separation is actually necessary no matter how hard that seems. 

Thus Athlete says it’s important to keep living your life.  While you shouldn’t evolve to “proving” he still has feelings by attempting to make him jealous (this isn’t fair to ex-boyfriend or new man), you shouldn’t hide all aspects of your new life either.  No matter what reason he let you go – timing, lack of interest, jam-packed lifestyle, whatever – he did just that. . .he let you go.  If he has a problem with your newfound happiness with someone else, that’s his problem – not yours.

Dating Deal Breaker (This Might Become A Series)

Perhaps I was inspired by #undateable trending on Twitter. . .or maybe it was in looking though my old drafts that hadn’t quite made it to being published yet or some combination of the two,  but this morning I came across an unfinished post that I had started about various attributes that make a man undateable and in those notes was one item that stuck out: Spanx for men.

Now I’m sure the vast majority of females have heard about (and even gotten behind) Spanx and other skinny-makers.  While they’ve never been something I’ve dabbled into, I get the hype – they smooth you down and give you more of a svelte physique.  I had thought these items were only for ladies (it hadn’t even crossed my mind that a guy might actually where them), but behold. . .they exist.

Maybe it’s because my “type” is a funny, athletic, guy’s guy (you know, the type who wouldn’t even know what a Spanx was) but I truly can’t picture being into someone who was wearing a male Spanx. . .especially the underwear one (I’m confused about the purpose of this one.  If anyone’s got insights as to why a guy would want this minimized, fill me in please!).  I understand the want to impress but this is not the way fellas. . .in fact, in an impromptu inner-office poll, 6 outta 6 females asked were not down with the idea either (on the flip side 3 out of 4 guys also vetoed the idea of wearing them).

Is it a double standard that Spanx and skinny-makers are ok on women and not on men?  I tend to think it depends on what you’re looking for.  In an anything-goes city like New York you have a higher prevalence of people who eschew traditional gender norms in favor of whatever floats their own boat without society batting an eye, thus making items like male Spanx a possible non-issue. 

As an athletic female, I am the opposite.  I like a manly man because being with a guy more athletic and/or competitive than me makes feel feminine and protected.  Double-standard or not, for me, the verdict is in: NO BUENO.

The Switch Hitter

  As you gather experience in the relationship department, you begin to develop a list of what you want in a partner, what you need in a partner, and most importantly, what the non-negotiables that you absolutely don’t wantin a partner.  In New York, navagating your way through the freaks, the leaches, the commitaphobes, etc can be especially daunting but once in a blue moon, you come across someone who almost seems to match up well to your ideal and as you find yourself preparing to go on that first date, you feel the excitement that there is infinite potential.

When this recently happened to me, I was going to meet up with a guy who was exactly my type – tall, athletic and pretty funny.  As a minor league baseball player, I also knew he wouldn’t be able to turn into an overbearing stalker with a need to try and monopolize all of my time, as he has very little of his own as well.  I also knew that it meant he could match my competitive nature and was more athletic than I am (a must in my book).   Despite, perhaps, not matching up to my physical type (as a rule, I’m not as drawn to blondes but hey, there are exceptions to every rule, right?), I decided to give the option of the first date a go.

As we sat across from each other at dinner, the conversation came really easily.  We laughed over embarrassing moments we had experienced, traded the war stories of the various competitive sports teams we had been on and generally seemed to be enjoying each other’s company.  Just as I began to think to myself, ‘Wow. . .I may have lucked out with this one. . .” that jovial ease we had found turned tide.

Perhaps it was the wine or the comfort that felt like we had known each other for much longer than the hour or two that we did, and despite that I appreciate that people find me easy to confide in, a first date is not the time nor the place to drop a bombshell that, for me, is a deal breaker I never even envisioned that I would encounter:  he enjoyed hooking up with both girls and guys.  As I sat there in stunned silence trying to control my facial expressions, The Switch Hitter carried on, sharing of his exploits and conquests,  completely unaware of my (apparently purely internal) reaction. 

The Switch Hitter paddled further and further into the sea of Way Too Soon To Go This Deep and crossed the river of Whelp This Is Obviously A First AND Last Date, genuinely confiding all the while telling me how much he digged how “nonjudgmental” I am, asking if I was as open as he (answer: clearly not) and blowing my mind by telling me about a moment with a guy followed by a compliment to me that he seemed to stand behind 100%.  As my brain melted from the whiplash it experienced from all the back-and-forth of his talking, I was desperately wracking at it for a way to extract myself for the safety of anywhere else but there.

Luckily, I was saved by his needing an early night thanks to a day game the following early afternoon.  As I said my thank you’s and prepared to flee, The Switch Hitter touched my elbow and said “So thanks for listening. .. I’ve never been able to be that open with someone. . .hope I didn’t scare ya off. . .when can I see you again?”  I smiled and excused myself  knowing that whatever he was – gay, bi, sex-addict – is a definite no bueno for me.

Is Carrie Bradshaw today’s Disney Princess?

If you are anything like me, your childhood consisted of the rough-and-tumble games of being a kid and a fascination with the Disney Princesses.  Each girl was skinny and pretty with a little bit of sass.  One swam about looking for treasures while another played with her pet tiger in a giant palace and a third fell in love with any book she came across.  Each princess was different, thus making it possible for every little girl to find one she could relate to. The one piece of the equation that each had in common was simple: Prince Charming.

Disney’s damsels set girls spinning with dreams of this perfect man who would overcome any challenge set between the two of you and forever without question or hesitation.  He would be charming, tall, athletic and perfectly muscular.  Even through his stumbles, you would feel nothing other than loved, sought after and beautiful.

After a few “challenging, learning experiences,” as I like to call relationships that don’t go necessarily as planned or men who are not who they originally present themselves as, our view of Prince Charming becomes more than a little tarnished.

It’s about this point that we begin to idolize another female with a cult-like following:  Carrie Bradshaw.   For me, or most of my girlfriends, especially those living in NYC, many have watched and related to (some more religiously than others) Sex and the City.  In a city of eight million, you have equal chances to meet the love of your life or feel incredibly lonely around every corner.  Like the girls in the show, your group of friends become your salvation. 

Through the dating adventures (and don’t forget crazy misadventures), that group of girlfriends becomes your crash-landing pad.  Their approval is integral to a relationship’s success. . .even if your try to push it for a few extra months.  Through the heart breaks, the disappointments, the confusion, and let’s not forget the agonizing overanalyzing of texts, speech and actions, these friends are there through it all to reassure or rally or even be a shoulder to cry on.

While the series is an great example of the merits of friendship, I pause to go further.  As The Frenemy posted in a recent entry, much of the rest is inconceivable.  Any young professional knows you’re not getting that incredible apartment Carrie lives in unless you have a sugardaddy or work in finance/corporate law.  And if you do have those last two jobs, chances are you have racked up so much student loan debt that you still aren’t going to be able to live it that large on the island of Manhattan.

Yet despite these glaringly obvious inconsistencies with fantasy TV life and reality, we cling a love of Carrie and the girls.  Why?  For me, I find Carrie so much more relatable. . .she tries really hard, and yet she still makes huge mistakes!  She has found a job she loves that makes her feel worthwhile.  And then there is Big. . .in every girl’s life there is a guy so significant that every guy forward will be judged on a scale of him and there will always be the hope that somehow, someway the two will find a way to have that perfect happily-ever-after.  Despite the fact that Carrie was based on the author’s life for the first two seasons and it’s common knowledge that everything that comes after, including getting married to Big isn’t real life, her flaws make her feel like someone we can still keep faith in as she is so much more human than a vanilla fantasy princess.

So despite the ins and outs of our intricate lives, the mistakes and oops and stepping stones along the way, we walk with our shoulders back and in a perfectly fashionable pair of shoes, arm-in-arm with the girls who have our backs and the in our head, the woman who showed us not to be afraid to take a wild, blind leap of faith and to always follow your heart.

The Art of Circular Dating

In New York City, your early and mid 20’s are for meeting as many new people as you can, drinking way too much, and making ambitious career moves.  It’s a dog-eat-dog city in which the best of the best flock for the chance to test their merits among the brightest in the world in the eventual hope of that corner office of your own PR firm representing high-profile and interesting clients (or at least that’s my prerogative).  Frank Sinatra wasn’t kidding when he said “if you can make it there, you’ll make it anywhere” because everyone you meet is just as prestige-hungry as you are.

Working hard (and playing hard) doesn’t leave a lot of room for a relationship in which the other partner requires a lot of face-time.  It doesn’t help that while a lot of guys may WANT an independent and ambitious girl (whose personal theme song may or may not be Neyo’s Miss Independent), a lot of 20 something males need a girl who will consistently put his needs first.  While  being someone’s girlfriend, I take very good care of him, but as I didn’t go to school to get my MRS degree, at this point in my life, I’m simply not willing to waste time with someone who wants a 23-year-old housewife or someone who resents or is too immature to handle females who make career power plays while striving for the next step on the corporate ladder.  Yet, humans are social creatures so what’s a girl to do?

The Big Apple doesn’t disappoint and has taught me its most widespread art-form:  the art of circular dating.  In this model, both people involved are open about seeing other people.  While some may call this an “open relationship,” I disagree.  While you may care for the people you are seeing with different levels and intensities, you owe no one your exclusivity.  Because you are aware of what type of friendship/relationship this is, it keeps you from getting unnecessarily hurt in a city that is more than willing to rip your heart to shreds.  Plus, while I may enjoy going on dates with a few different people, there are parts of myself that I simply won’t share with someone who isn’t a boyfriend or isn’t necessarily on the path to being one – perhaps it’s the Ohio good-girl in me.

Since each party knows what’s going on, there is no time and anxiety spent wondering what’s happening or what the next step is unless, of course, either person catches feelings (if that’s the case and it becomes known, the relationship becomes exclusive and each party stops seeing other people OR the situation ends).  So while a true romantic relationship might not develop, you enjoy each other’s company while still maintaining your own goals and objectives.  Jealousy and resentment are kept in check by keeping your different suitors separate.  As long as you keep that sort of respect for each other going to where you don’t purposely try to hurt each other, you have a beautiful thing that is essentially based on friendship (and ok, maybe a little mutual attraction!).

Is this a model I will maintain forever? Absolutely not. . .I’m a serial monogamist by nature and starting 2011 single was a little unnerving and unsettling for me, having been in some semblance of a relationship for the last eight years.  It is a fact that if I met someone who I really felt a strong connection with, I would obviously enter a fully exclusive relationship.  I would I’m an affectionate person who enjoys taking care of someone but at 23, I finally learning that sometimes you have to be selfish and the most important person to take care of is myself.

The Day I Asked a High Profile Athlete Dating Advice Part 5

I decided to ask Athlete about “secret girlfriends”. . .you know, when the guy doesn’t bring his girl around and if he does, he flat out denies that they are together.  Why would a man keep a woman on the low if they were seeing each other, sleeping with each other, enjoying each other?

Athlete said there are 3 reasons for why a man will keep a relationship a secret:  he is ashamed, embarassed or he is seeing other females.  Afterall, when a man is proud of the woman he is with, he will bring her around, introduce her to his friends, and make it known that he is spending time with her. . .even if it takes a bit to get to becoming publicly involved. 

A man might be ashamed if you had dated one of his close friends previous to him. . .this includes meaningless sexual flings.  He could feel a little awkward, even if both you and friend have moved on.  He doesn’t want to get on his friend’s bad side not does he want his friends to make fun of him for going after a friend’s former paramour.  This could also be why he’s embarassed.  If he’s a dickbag, he could also be embarassed because he thinks he’s better than you or should be with someone “better.” 

Perhaps he’s still seeing other people. . .or he isn’t but wants to keep his options open to be able to see other people.  He enjoys keeping it secret because to anyone else in his life, including new people (read: females) he meets, he is single yet he is still getting the best parts of a relationship when with you – the sex and the intimacy/deep companionship.  If this is the sort of “relationship” the two share (there are, afterall, many types and degrees of relationships between booty call and exclusive, titled bf-gf), he could possibly be content but he is waiting for something better to come along.  Don’t try to change this type of man into forwarding the relationship, Athlete urges, as it will bring about a swift end to your partnership.

The Day I Asked a High-Profile Athlete Dating Advice Part 4

Picture this scenario:  You’ve been seeing a man for a few (ok, several) months, and yet he won’t call you his girlfriend.  In fact, he seems to shudder at the thought (but confides that he’s had some seriously awful relationships/break-ups).  We act like we’re dating when we’re together and call/text a lot!  What gives?  Is this just a sex thing?  Can I move us forward. . .is it even possible?

Athlete had a lot to say on this topic because it’s full of loopholes and actually is like seven questions in one.  What he first told me was that men don’t enter relationships “just” for sex.  It could be a huge reason, but it isn’t the only reason.  If all he wanted from you was sex, he wouldn’t take you out regularly.  However, that doesn’t mean he’s necessarily looking out for your needs.  At the same time, Athlete pointed out that he CHOSE you for a reason.  There are millions of females in the New York metro area alone and he has reasons why it’s you and not someone else.  He suggested taking moments to sit back and consider all of the reasons he DID choose you when you get a little nutso if he’s acting weird or you’re having a where-the-hell-do-I-stand moment.

Athlete took it a little further to explain that sometimes guys like to test a female by seeing how she reacts when you don’t give her what she wants.  Is she going to turn into a whiny nag?  Is she going to start throwing things around?  If so, he might high-tail it for the hills.  Anyone can be in a relationship when everything is happiness and roses, it’s the moments of adversity that he’s curious about, especially if he’s had a psycho ex or two in the past.  He wants to ensure he’s not wasting time by heading down THAT path again. 

All of his exes broke his trust or cheated or did him wrong!  Athlete agreed – relationships are tough and sometimes people suck.  Yet, people get their hearts broken everyday.  DO NOT TRY TO HELP HIM FIX HIS RELATIONSHIP ISSUES.  You just have to live your fabulous life showing him you aren’t that girl who hurt him.  If he’s going to get over it, he has to do it by himself as a conscious decision.  If he wants help, he will ask.  If he wants to talk about it, simply listen.  Don’t psychoanalyze him or the situation – take his words in this case at face value. 

But it’s been months!  What’s taking him so long?  Athlete said it quite frankly:  “If it’s been more than 3-4 months, he’s enjoying everything exactly as it is and the only way to get him to further it is to inspire him.”  Guys tend to think of the bad stuff first when considering bestowing the title, so if you are 100% committing and giving yourself and making yourself very available without him committing, why would he change?  He’s got everything he wants/needs right in his hands. 

Despite that appraisal of the said situation, all is not lost!  Don’t, I repeat DO NOT, start nagging and whining about where you two stand with each other.  Once is enough to get inside the guy’s head if done correctly.  You must must MUST keep in mind that you are a hot commodity with a high worth.  (Don’t tell him this. . .just let your outlook on life reflect it).  Be fun and lighthearted, spontaneous and silly.  Take the relationship for what it is right now AND KEEP YOUR OPTIONS OPEN.  Book your schedule that doesn’t include him as it comes – don’t keep a time slot open for him.  It will teach him that your time is valuable, you don’t enjoy it being wasted and most importantly, you won’t allow it to be wasted.  What Athlete is saying is to match his level of commitment  (If anything else, it keeps you from standing out in the wind alone).

Next, Athlete suggested really taking a hard look at the relationship.  Instead of focusing on not having a title, focus on if you are being fulfilled emotionally, sexually, etc.  Focus on consistently bringing your best self out when you are together.  Oh, and stop looking at “what the relationship could be, someday.”  If you aren’t getting the nurturing you need, the pain and anguish of leading to this elusive “someday” might not be worth it. . .after all, “someday” might never arrive.

So retreating to that one mention of coupledom.  Before starting this talk, you must be exactly sure of what YOU want and need out of the relationship.  Forget his excuses and reasons for why things are the way they are and be honest with yourself.  Be sure ahead of time what are your grounded points – the things you won’t back down on and the things that don’t necessarily need to be aired yet to get you to optimal relationship happiness. 

Perhaps the guy doesn’t know you are even clamoring for a title.  If he’s taking you out regularly, calling you and introducing you to his friends, that is essentially a relationship.  If it walks and talks. . .then you know what you’ve got. 

So what might you have to do? Athlete says if you need things to be different, to be true to yourself you have one choice:  lay your cards on the table.  Tell him what needs to change (what YOU need) or tell him you might have to leave.  One of two things will happen and you need to be ready for for both:  either you will get the relationship/title or the relationship will end.  In both cases, you are no longer on the fence in limbo land.

The Day I Asked a High-Profile Athlete Dating Advice Part 3

In my post about the rules on dating according to me (click here for a reminder read) one of my rules was be a classy drinker, yet I know that I, and 97.7% of my girlfriends have, at some point or other. . .or even multiple points. . .disregarded this rule.  Maybe we didn’t eat before we went out.  Perhaps we mixed several different types of liquor.  It could have been that we just lost track.  Regardless of the scenario, is becoming a sloptart and possibly winding up with your head in the bowl the kiss of death to a budding relationship?

Athlete informed me that in most cases, it depends what happens AFTER everyone has sobered up.  The girl who grovels and let’s it affect HER perception of the situation is the girl who will see the man running far, far away as fast as he can.  Remember – men are terrified of neediness.  It is attraction buzzkill.

So what do you do if you become “that girl”?  Own it.  Apologize to him once (that’s it – no more bringing it up again and again).  Clean up after yourself (if necessary).  Thank him if he took care of you.  If he brings it up again to joke around, be able to take the joke and even make fun of yourself a little.  When a girl is cool and confidant after making such a mistake, it is a HUGE turn-on.  Most guys have been there before so they know everyone makes boo-boos along the way.  When you seemingly forget about it, he will too.  Just make sure it isn’t an every weekend sort of thing 😉

The Day I Asked a High-Profile Athlete Relationship Advice Part 2

Newly enlightened by what Athlete told me about how to get a man to be more romantic, I took a few steps back pre-relationship to the number exchange.  It happens to every girl at some point:  you’re out, meet a great guy with whom you have fanatastic conversation, he leaves with your number (and sometimes even makes tentative plans) only to never hear from him again.  What’s up with that?

Athlete had several reasons for why a man might not follow through.  The first was that a couple days pass and so does the esteem he felt for you.  He forgets details of the conversation or maybe how you look, etc.  Sometimes, when two people are vibing, he feels like it’s a diss to her if he DOESN’T ask for her number whether he intends to use it or not.  The third reason is he has doubted himself – here is this awesome girl, why would she go for him?

Luckily, I am about to equipt you with a few tricks that Athlete said will increase your chances in the man following through (besides being your fabulous self of course).  The number one thing he suggested was getting him to picture the two of you hanging out and seeing each other again.  While discussing interests, tweak the conversation into things you could do together.  When the guy pictures it, he will be apt to respond positively because it’s already a mental image.  Athlete cautioned that you might want to practise this on some duds to make sure it comes out easily and naturally so you avoid looking like a creepy, desperate stalker.

Next, he impressed upon me the value of being challenging and slightly a tease.  Men like what they have to work for – so call him on his BS, or disagree with him on some things, or tease him a bit.  These all show that you are confidant and realize that you yourself are a great catch.

The final tip he gave was to have fun.  It sounds easy but how many times have we watched a friend (or maybe even ourself) totally wig out and we could smell the neediness from clear across the bar?  Men can smell desperation in a hot second, so take a deep breath and enjoy yourself.  Don’t put so much pressure on this meeting or he will get the impression that all of your interactions will be like that.  And it’s not something he will want to be around again.